"I think what you guys are doing is great."
"Wow, I could never do that."
"You are so brave."
I could go on and on with the questions and comments that we receive when we tell people about the journey that God has laid before us.
But let me be perfectly honest with you right now.
As we wait to see what God is going to do next, I am scared.
I'm not brave.
I'm not an exceptional human being.
I'm just scared.
We are at a place of comfort in our family life. Do we still have daily struggles? Yes. But they are normal everyday struggles like chores, homework, and hogging all the hot water.
What lies before us in our path is unknown.
And the unknown can lead your mind is so many different directions.
Will she "fit" into our family?
Will she sleep? Will she scream?
Will she love our family?
Will we like (because love is a choice) her?
Will the kids like her?
Will we struggle with food issues?
with sensory issues?
Do I have what it takes?
Can I do this again?
Can my family endure this again?
Most of the time with this adoption, I have been faith driven. I have been able to look at people when they question whether or not I am scared and say,
"Nope, God has asked us to do this and he's got this."
But I'm human. I received news this week that our wait for a referral could be much longer then we anticipated. And this waiting, which we never did with our adoption with Danil because the entire process only lasted 4 months total, is allowing fear to creep in like fog rolling under a closed doorway.
Yesterday, I sat down to choose scripture to write on a card for each one of my kids. This is something I do every week. The kids look forward to a note from me on their pillow each Monday. I looked up scripture for my teenage daughter and this verse stopped me in my tracks. It's a well know and much used verse.
"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31.
You see, I want the Lord to have mercy on me and this child and put this waiting to an end. I want him to move with lightning speed in this adoption, like he did with Danil's.
But the Lord says,
"Wait Missy, wait. I will renew you daughter. I will take you places you have never dreamed and your soul with be filled with so much life and love. Do not, my child, be afraid to walk. Look around and take it in. To process this of what I am doing in your life. Do not think for one minute that I, your Father, am working in your life. Do not fall, do not let doubt overtake you. For I created you, Missy, to live life and live it abundantly."
So you see, I'm not brave.
But the Lord is.
Because you see, I'm not doing this.
I'm not choosing this life but surrending my life, the best that I can, to him.
Because, my Father in Heaven knows best.
"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?" My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7
Thank you for letting me be honest with you.