When Danil and I arrived at the Airport on July 8, 2011, Grant was waiting to give Danil a gift. A bear that Kevin, Abbey and Grant had made for him.
The day Grant was born, Abbey and Kevin made a trip to the local Build-a-bear Workshop. They brought back Jack.
So on the day the Danil was born into our family, Kevin and the kids made another trip to Build-a-bear Workshop to get Danil his very own bear, Oliver.
I can't tell you how many times, this bear has been the start of a lot of hurtful feelings for Grant.
We never made the connection till last night.
It usually begins like this. Grant calls us into the room after we had put the boys to bed without any incidence . . .everything seems happy and normal.
Grant is usually upset.
"Mom, Danil said he doesn't want his bear, He said it's not his and he doesn't want it"
I explain to Danil that indeed the bear is his, Remember Grant gave it to him on the day we came home on the airplane.
Danil responds
"I don't want it. I don't need it. I don't like it."
"I want my bear from Ukraine"
I hand him is bear that one of the nannies gave him before he left.
Now usually at this point, Grant is crying and I start to get upset. But last night it was different.
Danil, are you sad? Do you miss your friends in Ukraine? Do you miss your first Mommy and Daddy?
"No, I do not miss anyone. I do not need anyone. When I get older I am going to live myself"
I'm sorry you're sad Danil. It is okay to be sad.
"I'm not sad. Why you pick me? Why you not pick another boy? Why? I don't want you pick me!"
Because Danil, out of all the little boys in the whole world, we wanted you.
"Grant, Why you let Mommy and Daddy get me? Why Grant?"
Because I wanted you to be my brother
"Well, I don't want to be your brother. I don't want Abbey. I don't want Mommy. I don't want Daddy."
We love you Danil.
"Well, I don't love you. I don't need you. I'm going to live by myself"
Kevin tries to lighten the mood. 'Well Danil, when you get older I am going to come live with you. Because love you so much, that I will miss you. I will get old and you will care for me.'
"No, I don't love you."
Danil are you scared? Are you scared Mommy and Daddy are going to leave you?
"Everybody leave me! Nobody want me. My mom and dad leave me. Everybody leave!"
Danil, we will never leave you. Danil I can tell that your sad and scared. Would it help if I rock you to sleep tonight?
-Danil completely releases his anger and starts sobbing-
"I'm scared Mom. You will die and Daddy will die. And Abbey and Grant will die too."
Danil, Mommy and Daddy are not going to die. It's okay Danil. This is forever. No one is ever going to leave you again. Abbey and Grant will not leave you. It's okay to love us. This is your last home.
"I love you Mom. I love you Dad. I so sorry. I so scared."
"I sorry Grant, I say mean things, I sorry."
It's okay Danil
We love you buddy. When you start to feel like this Danil, let Mommy and Daddy know. You can just come to Mommy and say "I need Mommy time." And I will know the maybe you feel a little sad and a little scared. I will try to make you feel better so that you don't have to say mean things.
"Alright Mom"
Daddy you will please get my rocking chair.
"Will you rock me all night Mom?"
No Danil, but I will rock you till you are asleep.
"Okay Mom."
And with that we rocked a while and Danil fell asleep in my arms.
Kevin and I recounted downstairs how many times we have gone into the boys room because of the harsh words regarding that bear. But never have we got to the root of the "Bear problem." It was his only way of knowing how to communicate that this was getting to scary for him to handle. I wish so many times, that we had seen it . . .instead of getting upset about his mean words toward Grant.
I decided to write this event down for 2 reasons. One so that we can look back and remember how much our love has grown. How far Danil has come. And two, because I know that there are other adoptive parents who read my blog. My hope is that by sharing this story, it helps you to connect the dots in your own child's struggle. We had no idea that this bear was Danil's way of communicating to us. Maybe your child is using something else, taking another action that you perceive as hateful defiance. But maybe, just maybe they are scared or sad. They just don't know how to tell you.
Believe me, we have so many more dots to connect. It's a long Dot-to-Dot journey. But in the end, by the grace of God, it will be a beautiful picture.
I'm so glad that you wrote this. I hate that he is still hurting so much, but what a breakthrough that he is able to tell you! I know you're not perfect, but it sounds like you all (even the kids) are saying and doing the right things.
Posted by: Amber | Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 08:46 AM
Beautiful, beautiful post Missy. What a breakthrough.
Love,
Allison
Posted by: allison | Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 09:48 AM
I cry as I read this. How much hurt that little guy has in his heart. We have to heal his little heart. This grandma will be here for ever and ever. I will never leave him.
Posted by: mom | Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 10:38 AM
What a great thing that you were able to accomplish. I am sure this will help Grant understand a lot better as well. Danil will eventually not be scared any more and realize that you are his forever family. Just thinking about what he has been through in his short life just breaks my heart. Hang in there all of you. Love you
Posted by: Carmen | Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 10:38 AM
Ok you need to have a tissue needed disclaimer at the top of this one.
So thankful that he is opening up and sharing his feelings (even if inappropriately at first). What a sweet awakening he is having. How hard it must be to simply have faith that you guys will always be there.
Praying that his fear subsides and that he learns to completely and whole heartedly trust and love you all.
Posted by: Rochelle Cannon | Wednesday, January 25, 2012 at 12:53 PM
You do know I am taking notes!
Posted by: Jennifer | Tuesday, January 31, 2012 at 03:04 AM